I've had a lot of questions. since I was a child. plagued with questions. I've always wanted to find the answers, and I went around asking everyone… also there were points where I stopped asking them out loud---when I felt shamed with the questions I had, when I was disappointed in the response.. but I always came back to asking (as if there was a choice). I haven't found (m)any answers, and I am (kind of) ok with that now---I expect that---all I really end up with is more questions. but I am happy with a life that always finds something to ask. because one thing I have found: ask enough questions and you'll find less and less reasons to hide. you'll have less to hide from yourself, you'll hide less of yourself from others. this is a self-propelling cycle, which grows as it invites others to do the same.
so to those even "younger and more naive" than myself who are questioning everything, I say: don't stop! never stop. even when They tell you it's not worth the trouble, it's irrelevant, it doesn't make sense, there's no such thing, stay on topic. even worse when they smile and say, oh sweetheart, it's already been done. don't trust anyone who says they know the answer. they don't. they're lying to you or fooling themselves, and either way they're robbing you of the enjoyment of being with your own questions. because here's the thing: while it's incredibly difficult to sit with a question, the rewards are unmatched. small-minded, arrogant assholes will always try to take that away from you. many times under the guise of helping (you poor lost thing). the humility it takes to be stumped, to surrender, to accept one's own ultimate foolishness---that's not something we're taught in school. we are to shut up and listen to the big boys, who say 1+1=2, now repeat. and one day you might be a big boy too if you practice enough (even me? she asks, hiding her vagina).
the sooner you learn to ignore that hogwash, the sooner you can get on with the search. don't let anyone tempt you down a well-worn trail with signposts, and when that inevitably happens, say thank you but no, and turn. or sometimes, just RUN. no matter what path it takes you down, no matter how dark and scary it looks.. many times it won't look like a path at all, because it is not one yet. you'll surely get hurt along the way. but it is precisely here where you will find everything you're looking for. at the risk of this looking like an answer, i would say: it's your own heart. and no one can tell you the answers to the questions of your heart. so take the flashlight and follow the questions that whisper to you in the dark. let us be brave and do the work of love.
